The Ebb Tide

This is nice, sitting here late. Quiet time. Reflection. Just me, and you. I feel like I really accomplished something. It took months, but I got my application for the Art show in on time. It was a doozy Mom. You would be so proud of me, writing my Artist Statement and Biography. (Which is OUR biography, of course…) And finishing all the new works. photographing them, and sending in a resume, etc. I can’t wait till I can show you all the stuff I’ve been doing.

I was listening to a CD today that a friend had given me, about Pain and Depression, and it was describing the differences between acute pain, grief, chronic pain, depression, etc. , etc… It seems to me that my grief is acute pain. It has never lessened. The only difference the years have made is the fact that I can lock the pain away for longer periods of time. But when it comes…then it comes.

I know you would never have left me if you didn’t have to. I was angry at you for a while, for not telling me sooner, and then we could have gotten you help sooner. But maybe you would have still gone thru all the pain anyway. I know you were unhappy for so long Mom. I’m really sorry for my part in that. I know you always said you “lived thru me” and stuff. But my addiction sure took a toll on the family. I’m glad I finally got clean and sober, and that we studied the Bible together. And we both got baptised and are serving Jehovah now. You’d be proud, cause I still am Mom, and Jehovah is my Rock. He keeps me sane, reminds me to be grateful everyday, and I’m so glad to be forgiven now. I’m so grateful for the Ransom, and how He gave His Dearest Son for me, and you. I am so grateful to know we will be together again. It makes all the pain worthwhile.

You know what I mean. I could walk thru fire for God, and my family is really my Congregation now that you and Dad are gone. I remember you feeling so bad, leaving me with Father. It was hard the sicker he got, because The Alzheimer’s and Dementia made him hate me, and be so angry all the time. He was such a brilliant, and such a crazy man, and you knew how I spent my life trying to get him just to SEE me, let alone LOVE me. Well, after you died, we got so, so close. He taught me so many things about his life and times, and we would just laugh and carry on, and watch lots of Lawrence Welk! You would have laughed so hard seeing us bee bopping in our chairs to the jazz songs. He taught me so much about music, and pool. You know he could still shoot a truly great game of 9 ball, even at 86! But he even forgot how to do that Mom. It’s been just a little over a year since he’s gone Mommy, and I still feel it like a knife in my heart.

You seemed at ease with your dying. But Daddy did not want to die, and the illness and terrible falls he had at the hospital stole away his dignity and broke him. Just broke him. I think that is what hurts most of all, is that they killed my Daddy, and I was the one that took him to that awful place. Somehow, I have to come to terms with this anger, and terrible guilt. I never wanted to fail Daddy, and I had let them take him away to that awful nursing home, and they just tied him to a chair and parked it by the nurses station. AND HE WAS DYING OF CANCER!!!. They wouldn’t listen to me Mommy, even though I was his power of attorney, and his representative. I finally got him home Mommy, Hospice finally stepped in when I sent the Doctor a letter, telling her of the bad things the Hospital did. Its not right that I can’t say what hospital, or what they did, That should be illegal too, because you can’t warn other families.

KODAK Digital Still Camera
Distortion of a Full Moon, Digital Edit by STM

Like I said, I need to ask Jehovah to help me with this anger, this guilt, this terrible lburden of grief that I carry. I finally got Daddy home from that place, and I hope he knows that he was home. He only lived 5 days once I got him home. He wasnt like you, just going to sleep. He screamed for God, and for me, even though I was right there. he begged and begged God to help him, no matter how much Morphine I gave him. We were all alone, just the 2 of us for the last 2 days. All night I stayed at his side while he cried out. I felt like someonePicture 012had cut a hole in my stomach and was pulling my guts out one strand at a time.

“Susan!” “Susan!” “Susan!”, “OH GOD!” OH GOD!” SUSAN!” “SUSAN!” for hours and hours. I fell unconscious at some point,crying incoherently, and pleading for Jehovah to help him. Finally, at about 6 in the morning, the day after my birthday, with the birds just waking up-he got very quiet. And I knew his time had come. It seemed like he was waiting for something, so I said , ” We are all here, Daddy. Me and Mom, and Eric is here too. We all love you Daddy. ”

I could sense a calmness, but still he was waiting. Then I remebered he had been raised a Catholic, and even though when he was still sane he knew and loved Jehovah, I think he was still waiting for the last rights. So I said a prayer to Jehovah, and told Daddy that God loved him, and that he was forgiven, and that he could go now.

So he died. He died.

I just had to tell you, cause I always told you everything. I knew that you would always understand, and you would understand why I’m so sad and lonely without you guys. I’m trying really hard now, doing all the right things, I hope. But it’s a real struggle to make ends meet. I know you would love my art. I wil show it all to you when we are together agian! And since we will be perfect, you will paint even better than me! But I remember- you want to play the piano!! I’m sure Jehovah will let you! Because He promises us the desire of our hearts in the new world!

I love you Mom. I’ll see you real soon!

Love always, Susan.