I used to be so romantic, always wanting to be in a relationship, to “have a boyfriend”. I was quick, and found many boyfriends in my young life. I had a bunch of girlfriends, (not romantically), but I believed I loved them, too.
Every boyfriend was a wild romance, love-blind, I would do anything for them. I thought this showed how much I loved them. My idea of “love” was so warped that I would do things for these men that were harmful to me, no matter how morally wrong those things were. I was “in love”, after all, and “he loves me”. (thinking back now, I want to vomit.)
As far as friends went, I noticed as years went by that they did not seem to care as much about me as I did them. It was all lopsided.
I “loved” my Mom so much that I used her to get everything I wanted, no matter how hard it was for her to get it. No matter that she had to do without, I just asked and she would give, and give, and give. Then she went to Al-Anon and learned tough love, of course I then thought she did not “love ” me anymore, because I believed love meant you owed me something.
Then, I learned about the God of the Bible, and I learned about “principled love”. This was not like anything I had ever felt, or tried to express. This was a leopard of different spots, thought I. The really scary part was when I realized that I did not know how to love in this manner, and for a time I believed I was incapable of it. That would mean I was a monster, a fear that lurked deep in my psyche, unwilling to come out and be viewed in the light.
With many prayers, and a humble admission to my God that I could not do this on my own, that I had this terrible “flaw”, I let Him help me. And help He did. It was a long, slow process, but drip by drop this new kind of love trickle into my heart. One day I noticed that I was calling my brother, who I had been so angry with that I had decided to write him off. And I was talking to people I encountered, with a mild spirit, not a hostile one.
The scripture at Psalms 14:34 took on new meaning: Seek to find peace and pursue it…
This meant, to me, that I had to make an effort to change, I had to work at this love, if I were to ever truly feel again. (seek….pursue…)
The God that I had hidden from unsuccessfully was now teaching my His Love, His ways. I told Him that I was broken, and I was given the mortar to patch myself up. But I had to pick up the tools and sling the mud.
Once, about 10 years ago, I had gone into a pet store to look at the birds. I had once owned 2 finches, and wanted a bird I could hold and pet, so I was shown a tank full of baby Cockatiels.(yes, a tank-no water of course!) I was awestruck and the pet shop owner advised me that the best was to chose woul be to lay my hand down on the wood chips, and my bird would chose me.
I waited, holding my breath as they parted to let my hand descend to rest at the bottom of the tank. then they kind of backed away, waiting for something to happen. But none approached, and I was ready to pull my hand out when it happened! This little bright yellow headed baby waddled over , and tilting his head, peered up at me with his Soft Baby bird eye. Then he touched my hand ever so gentle with his beak, his toungue feeling like a tiny pencil eraser.
Then, as if she said it out loud, she stepped up onto my hand and claimed me as her Mommy. I will remember forever that feeling, swelling up inside, as long as I live. I lifted my hand up, out of the tank, with “Bird-bird” sitting up there like a princess, staring into my face and blinking her little beady eyes lovingly at me.
I later realized that was the way I wanted to look up to the heavens at my Creator, my Heavenly Father. That look of love and adoration, that feeling of total, utterly fulfilling love. I wanted Him to be be my owner, my life solely His, all my works to honor Him, my Grand Creator…my True Father.
He taught me to love again, fully and completely, and I pray that I honor Him for all eternity.
And I am grateful for that little Bird He made, also. I still love her, even though shes been gone for many moons. I will never forget the gift of her in my frozen heart…”Bird-Bird”.